JUNE 28 2005
Let's cook with Garci!
by Alan C. Robles
Hot Manila

You're holding an election, the President is coming over to check on things and you don't know what to serve for the occasion. Dear oh dear, what do you do? Never fear! From the Comelec kitchens, we bring you these time-tested favorite recipes as prepared by our famous chef, Garci.

Chef Garci has been cooking elections for decades, serving as a master chef for no less a discriminating patron than Ferdinand Marcos. The secret of chef Garci's success? Painstaking preparations, a fine eye to detail, the freshest ingredients -- and lots of money, thugs and weapons. Let him now share with you his secrets on how to whip up those wonderful entrees guaranteed to bring smiles of delight to your clients...

Simple Starters

Recipe 1: Malacañang Delight

1. Take one ballot box
2. That's it!

Recipe 2: Scrambled Election Witness

1. Take one witness to election fraud
2. Break hands or knees. In fact break any part that cracks
3. Get on with cooking your election

Main dishes

Recipe 1: Comelec Modernization Hash

1. Take a truckful of money -- at least P800 million. Of COURSE it has to be somebody else's money, silly!
2. Put it all in a pot. If it won't fit in a pot, use a few sacks
3. Put wine in a cup. Drink
4. Take the sacks and pots
5. Bring them home
6. Go into hiding

Recipe 2: Certificiates of Canvass Souffle with Sauce Namfrel

1. Take a bundle of fresh certificates of canvass. To make sure they're fresh get them only one or two weeks after election day
2. Put in a corner.
3. Add a crooked official.
4. Season well with greens
5. Watch the certificates inflate nicely
6. Top off with Namfrel statements
7. Serve before anybody can stop you

Recipe 3: Voter Jumps Over The Wall (This is one of the favorite dishes of the Marcoses!)

1. Collect a whole lot of energetic young people.
2. Put into a big truck
3. Drive around the city until they've voted in at least 20 precints. Don't forget the fluid to erase the indelible thumbprint ink
4. Delicious!

Dessert

Recipe 1: Mud Pie

1. Go shopping and buy all the journalists, editors and fake candidates you can find available
2. Put them all in a pot
3. Sweeten the pot
4. Pour it on the public
5. Mocking laughter is optional

Finally, we feature a short phone interview with the master chef himself...

Garci: Hi! This is Garci! Yes, I know it's just my voice, but trust me it's me. And don't ask me to prove my identity with a voter's ID. HAHAHAHA. Voter's ID, get it?

Q: What advice can you give to all our budding election chefs out there?

Garci: It's your job to do the impossible. Be creative! Spend a lot! It also helps if your client is intelligent. I mean, intelligent enough to take precautions against bugging, you know what I mean? Wait, what's that noise...argh...

Sounds of pots and pans crashing, ballot boxes falling, gunfire and screaming

Whoops it's time to go now! Join us next show with the Puno Brothers as they teach us "How to fight fire with dirt." Hint: you'll need a lot of money.