by Alan Robles
A report from a totally reliable source -- an anonymous text message -- says Batangas is being menaced by a group of aswang on a truck.
I think it's a hoax. Don't you think it's suspicious how the message fails to say how the aswang were recognized? Did they drive their truck close enough for the texter to get a good look at their Official Aswang IDs? For all we know they could have been congressmen -- it's easy to confuse the two species.
But even if the report is bogus, it raises a timely question: isn't it time to update the list of Philippine mythological creatures? "Aswang on a truck" is a good start, it sounds suitably modern. But we need more entries. Here are some suggestions.
President Evil -- the putrid and decomposing corpse of Deadinand Formalin Marcos is one of the country's most dreaded mythological monsters. A hideous mix of dissolved tissue, gulaman and Imelda's secret makeup recipe, President Evil radiates waves of malice, deceit and greed, all to the nonstop strains of "Pamulinawen." President Evil has the ability to conceal illegal Swiss bank accounts, evade justice and infect victims with the dreaded Marcos Eboloyalist Virus (MEV), creating loyalists who shamble around proclaiming their love for the dead dictator. There are stories that when nobody is looking, President Evil actually gets up to do a few waltz numbers with his widow. Another reason he allegedly rises is to complain about the electricity bill for his refrigerated crypt. Otherwise, President Evil dead is the same as he was in life. He's still lying.
Marcos Eboloyalist Zombie - whereas a typical zombie goes around saying "brainzz...", the Marcos Eboloyalist Zombie (MEZ) says "no brainzzz, no brainzzz.." This is because thinking is fatal to Marcos loyalists. It interferes with their love for the rotting tyrant. The zombie is created by the Marcos Eboloyalist Virus, which is spread through social media and infects the weak-minded. MEZs shuffle around shrieking their love for Marcos. They have no special powers apart from exceptional idiocy - understanding a fastfood menu counts as a major feat for an MEZ. Curiously, MEZs suffer from the delusion that they are experts in "research" and "history."
Trollo Jose - this revolting fiend, which inhabits social media, is supposed to be a worm-like grub. Others disagree and say it is a grub-like worm. A consummate sockpuppeteer, the Trollo Jose can generate lots of fake accounts, creating thousands of identities all of them with no personality. The Trollo Jose uses these identities to attack anyone using its deadly nonexistent logic and dilapidated grammar. It also communicates using poorly made memes. A Trollo Jose has a comically high assessment of its worth, which unfortunately does not at all match reality. A dim awareness of this disparity fuels the Trollo Jose's rage. A Trollo Jose is ready to swear allegiance to anyone who'll pay it money, or even shiny beads. While it claims to be able to criticize economists, politicians and journalists, a Trollo Jose actually has no accomplishment worth noting. Catching head lice might count as a significant achievement except that lice are generally smarter than the Trollo Jose.
Huligan - a small extremely noisy creature that likes to move around in large packs that shriek at and throw cardboard placards at selected victims. In between attacks, when it has nothing to do, the huligan is thought to eat the cardboard placards. Because one leg is shorter than the other, the huligan always walks to the left. Although raucous in some matters, huligans are mysteriously quiet and absent in other issues. Popular belief holds this is because, depending on the way the wind blows, huligans can turn into harmless hulugans.
Nognog - this mythical being is believed to have been created by rat-like, sleazy beasts known as spin doctors. It has the ability to become fabulously wealthy. It can also open all the subdivison gates in a city. But it has a poor sense of direction and can't seem to find its way to the Senate.
Malinis na Pulitiko - this is a true mythical creature. It doesn't exist. Really. Not even in the imagination. It is simply inconceivable. So go away.