Out of Focus

Humor

Attack of the sinister holes

Tue, 09/23/2014 - 08:19

by Alan Robles

On a rainy night last week, online editor Jojo Malig was nearly killed when his motorcycle ran into a large, unmarked six-inch deep hole dug right in the middle of a major road in Manila.

He broke a shoulder and suffered cuts and bruises – injuries which might have been much worse if his helmet visor wasn't down and protecting his face. He will be bed-ridden for a couple of weeks and will need physical therapy.

There were no lights or warning signs around the hole, which is about five by six feet in area and is one of several dotting the stretch of road.

The hole in question is still at the accident site, but it's keeping quiet and not making any statements.

DPWH plans to demolish Intramuros to ease traffic

Tue, 09/23/2014 - 08:17

by Alan Robles

The Department of Public Works and Highways (DPWH) is “seriously considering” destroying the 440-year old walled city of Intramuros in order to speed up the flow of cargo trucks from Port Area.

According to totally unreliable source and vague spokesman Duane Gollum-Dumayo, “planners looked at the Port Area map and they saw this huge 64-hectare congested riverside walled neighborhood blocking the route and they said, what's that? Let's blow it up.

“With lots of dynamite.”

Q & A: Metro Manila's traffic

Sun, 09/14/2014 - 21:32
 
 
As part of our continuing commitment to public service, we offer this new series on understanding Metro Manila's traffic problem. We begin with this general Q&A on the topic.
 
Q: How bad is Manila's traffic?
A: Our researchers estimate that if, at 7:30 a.m., they were to board a bus going from Quezon City to Makati...
 
Q: Yes?
A: Sorry, our researchers are unable to complete the sentence, they're still stuck in traffic. Check back with us in two days.
 
Q: Why is Manila's traffic so bad?
A: The explanation involves a complex interplay of factors such as vehicles, commuters, pedestrians, drivers and enforcers.

How to tell if your building is world class

Mon, 09/01/2014 - 18:36
 
 
 
Congratulations! Your mayor has just finished constructing a brand new parking building. You say it seems really really expensive? Well, we don't consider it "expensive," we consider it "world class." Let's go on an inspection tour and answer your questions about this unique new parking facility.
 
What's so unique about this parking building that cost billions to build?
First of all, did you notice how, when we drove in, the gates opened and closed? They're automatic gates.
 
But they were opened by security guards.
True, but they opened the gates automatically. And they saluted too. Now that's world class. Why, in some villages, the security guards won't automatically open the gates.

Getting to know the MRT (Might Run Today)

Fri, 08/29/2014 - 20:48

from Wikimedia Commonsby Alan Robles

For the next part of our series on traffic, we'll now talk about how to beat Manila's notorious jams by using the train system. We'll focus on the MRT, which as everyone knows, stands for "Might Run Today."
 
Just kidding; of COURSE the MRT will run today. In fact, it runs everyday. True, it might sometimes run only halfway to where you want to go, which you'll discover when the train suddenly stops in the middle of a stretch of tracks between stations. But never fear, the train makes up for these moments by also occasionally running PAST your destination, plowing through barriers with enthusiasm.
 

Government mulls assigning teachers to Internet commenters

Mon, 08/11/2014 - 08:34
 
armed prototy[e

by Alan Robles

Government announced yesterday it is considering assigning public school teachers to every Internet commenter in the Philippines.

It said it is alarmed by a trend where, apparently, Filipinos don't bother to read online articles before reacting.
 
As a result, they post misinformed statements, making them, in the words of one official, "look really stupid."
 

Understanding the SONA

Fri, 08/08/2014 - 12:13
 
 
The State of the Nation Address, SONA,  is a very important occasion. It's that time of the year when the President goes over to Congress and, in a moving ceremony, pounds a large native drum and officially proclaims the start of the pork hunting season.
 
Just kidding. Actually, SONA is a political event that directly affects the lives of overwhelming numbers of politicians, reporters, columnists, furrowed-brow TV commentators, spin doctors and coup plotters. A couple thousand people, tops.
 

Many Filipinos don't have satire gene

Sun, 03/02/2014 - 18:23

By Alan Robles

A "statistically significant" number of Filipinos lack a gene that lets them detect satire, a new study claims.

Scientists at the prestigious Asian Research Institutes for Understanding Humor and Silly Walks (ARIUHSW) yesterday announced that many Filipinos apparently lack the Satire Gene (SG).

According to the institute's spokesperson Dr. Soon Tu Ve Hung, SG deficiency "prevents people from distinguishing the true from the ridiculous."

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