HUMOR: Our president is a lizard, or is our president a lizard?
In 2017, I wrote this for a certain giant broadcast network whose management took one look at it, swallowed its tonsils and heroically decided to take it down at once.
by Alan Robles
In 2017, I wrote this column for a certain giant broadcast network whose management took one look at it, swallowed its tonsils and heroically decided to take it down at once. For good measure, the brave executives ordered that all my previous humor columns on their site - going back at least seven years – be made invisible and unsearchable. I got the impression they were upset.
Sad to say, their dramatic heroism didn't save them from being closed down by Duterte. Must have been something they did. At any rate, here's the controversial column, so you can read for yourself and find out what all the fuss was about.
Some presidents are smart. Others are idiotic. Some are liberal. Others are dictatorial.
But - and I think you'll agree with me on this - I don't think any presidents are lizards.
At least I didn't think so until now.
In a sensational bit of investigative reporting ("DATELINE: ANOTHER WORLD"), Marlene Aguilar claims that President Rodrigo Duterte is, in fact, a reptile.
Some people would probably nod their heads and say, "so what else is new?" but Aguilar, who is apparently some kind of mystic, or alternatively is in dire need of a bigger sun hat, means something else. In an earthshaking Facebook post, she reveals that President Duterte has died and been replaced by a lizard. Or if you want to be specific about it, "a reptoid alien." These creatures, she helpfully says, "can copy any human shape or form they want."
How does Aguilar know this? She has two proofs. First, a "contact" in the "CIA" (CIA = Can't Imagine Anyone) informed her that "a month ago" Duterte - the real one not the reptoid - was "in an island bedridden" with "cancer so advanced he was defecating and pissing in his own bed."
Again, some people would probably nod their heads and say, "so what else is new?"
What's new is that, according to Aguilar, during the "ASIAN Summit" Duterte "looks younger and he did not have any of these health problems I mentioned earlier." Therefore, he had clearly, indisputably and incontestably been replaced by a reptoid alien.
What was the second proof? The second proof is that Aguilar was told all this by reliable sources - namely reptoid aliens she is in contact with.
It's a slam dunk, yes? I think this easily beats Obama's birth certificate controversy. Donald Trump, you can eat your tennis shorts.
If you're still in doubt, Aguilar clinches the argument by pointing out that two officials who recently met Duterte say that "the 'president' (Aguilar's quotes) couldn't remember major issues they discussed in the past."
Yet again, some people would probably nod their heads and say "so what else is new?" That's not important. What's important is that I think everyone can agree Aguilar's revelations raise much more urgent questions. Questions such as: "What is she taking?" And "Where can I get some?"
Another question is, why would reptoid aliens want to replace our president who is already doing such a good job acting like a reptoid alien? Admit it, even when you look up close at his picture, it's hard to tell the difference between him and a reptoid. Plus, think about it: is a reptoid alien up to the job of playing Duterte? I don't mean the effort of pretending, I mean having to meet the likes of Panelo, Roque and Alvarez regularly.
All of these are profound questions which I think are best addressed by sitting down, thinking seriously and deciding that Aguilar's expose presents the opportunity for making a terrific comic book. Here's the plot:
In the city of Tokhangville, Super Narco Lolo patrols the streets at night, keeping the public safe by shooting everybody dead. In the daytime, he reverts to his secret identify, Neil Fenta, the mild mannered official who works full time appointing this cronies to positions in government.
But unknown to him, in the distant depths of space, on the tiny insane planet Trollala orbiting the malignant garbage star Orion P-Rez, evil midgets plot to replace Super Narco Lolo with a reptoid alien.
"Haha, we don't know why we want to do it, but it feels like we should", they cackle.
Will they succeed in their plot? Will our hero be replaced? Find out what happens in the next issue of the series: "Super Narco Lolo vs the Repoid Aliens." Coming soon to a ward near you.
